July 20th, 2024
From time to time I look for forums and messageboards for a place I could form a rapport on. I found myself on a messageboard with a generally chill vibe, at least compared to some of the others I had come across. But there was a thread on old school forums and one of them seemed to be a spiritual successor to a forum... you might know what I'm talking about when I say they stalked and harassed people, most infamously trans women. So yeah, I'm thinking about this messageboard where people come from their bigoted forums to chill out that I'm sure is being used by other people, and how this source of hate is just linked there like it's nothing. And I'm of course still thinking about staying closeted.
I've lived most of my life thinking that anything that would slow me down or get in the way of being able to provide for myself and maintain a healthy life should be avoided at all cost. And I do have to confront that I put my queer identity and disability under the umbrella of roadblocks to a happy life. But also like, I've never seen it done any other way.
I've stopped thinking I can handle things. After everything I've been put through I have no one to fall back on for support. When I think about self harm it's conceptually more like something to relieve tension like if I took up drinking or cigarettes. I think about resorting to it even in mundane like going to university or working full time, things that nondisabled nonqueers have handled with privileged excellence time and time again. I also think about if there was a targeted harassment and stalking campaign with its sights on me.
There is no hidden queer person nearby who will swoop in and save me. If there is another person like me, their identity is none of my business, just as mine is none of theirs.