July 29th, 2024
I feel more dysphoric than ever. Thinking about going into the future closeted doesn't feel like my future, more like my body's going somewhere and I'm just on the sidelines watching it happen. In this future nothing feels like my own. I never fully trust any friends I make. I reject sexual relationships because the idea of someone touching my body makes me want to dissociate. I feel less like a person and more like a doll. Standing up for others, let alone myself, is an acrobatic feat of picking the right words to say without revealing that I've given a lot of thought to a complex inner identity.
Would I really rather be a feminine, handsome man over a masculine, ugly woman? Of course not. I'm not even confident that how I'm perceived as disabled would make that better anymore. But I can't imagine going forward with anything else without being considered too "difficult". I wish I was less cold. Maybe if I left the house more my arteries would send blood to all of my body, I'd much prefer that over cold legs and arms and the pounding in my head. I feel like I've been agarophobic ever since that day where someone yelled at me from a car and two young girls stared at me and tried following me on their bikes. Maybe it was because I ripped up those queerphobic stickers around the neighbourhood, maybe I got labelled "groomer" under a grainy picture of me in the neighbourhood Facebook group. Maybe that's just a delusion. I haven't walked to the park since that day but as far as grocery shopping goes I haven't been confronted or anything.
My feet felt so warm today when I was walking home. I wondered if there was enough blood pumping to stay and warm me through the night. It didn't. Blood has retreated back now.
Some people really do think they're immortal. They really are so apathetic about getting sick over and over. No one really knows what dying feels like, only what comes before and what comes after. That's why people talk about regret, and respecting the dead and stuff. Very able-bodied-centric. But who am I to talk. Who am I to say anything. I've never felt more helpless than I have right now.