December 9th, 2024
It all came back to me today. This strong desire to kill myself. Because I dared want to change things for the better. Looking into emails I sent, doctors and disability services, who never got back to me. Wanting this damned pilonidal sinus out. It only took fives minutes of thinking about how no one replied to my attempts to look after myself to make me want to kill myself. I really thought all that was left for me was thoughts that surely I would do it in the future. But nope. I want to do it today. I want to feel a noose crush the veins and tendons and bones in my neck.
In all the months of coping with life, this hopelessness, I never did find a way to deal with living in a lurid world. Something to calm my nerves and cultivate my time. My life really is so empty when you take out the doctors and services I want to access who ignore my emails. Despite everything that's happened to me, I still think I'm just not trying hard enough. Like some story or hobby could save me. I can't talk myself into caring about something in a society that will let me die so easily.
I can't live with the barriers. No amount of pretending to be a man changes that.
This isn't really new information, is it. None of this is. Now that I got it all out it all sounds so predictable.