August 11th, 2024
Been thinking about the time I talked about feelings for my only friend. I want to know what those feelings actually were now that I'm thinking about my sexuality again.
I went through good things in June (I wish I could talk about good things more). Trans erotica with characters that made me feel seen both in and out of sex. I would've definitely been feeling a certain way leading up to that entry. I think the reason it made me feel so guilty was because I couldn't rationalise her being attracted to me without settling. Classic codependent "I don't see it getting better than this so let's stick to eachother". I also think certain circumstances made me ashamed of have sexual desires. But anyways.
Presently, ever since the whole "living closeted" question came up I've kinda been questioning my sexuality, or maybe the better term is preening it. I would never have sex with someone who wants me as a man, so will I pursue any sexual relationship at all? My new recurring fantasy is that somewhere in my future is a woman, a baddie if you will, who wants to have sexual tension with me. There's a mutual respect there, I'm not a victim of teasing because someone thinks flirting with the autistic guy is the funniest fucking thing. It's a performance from both of us where I play the submissive man and she plays the dominant woman. I feel like I'm the only one in the world who wants this though. Not just to make others jealous or get them to back off, or to cause confusion amongst our friends, but to be intimate with eachother by fostering sexual tension (You know what maybe it's because of the number of people who complain about leading people on).I guess this is what the lgbt community calls "queerplatonic" and maybe I'm even what they call "aromantic".
Ever since I've thought about the closeted future I've enjoyed my body less. It's not like I can flip a switch when I'm alone and be a woman in my fantasies when everywhere else I'm embodying a man. If this is gender dysphoria then I'm feeling it the worst I've ever felt it right now. I hope one day there's somewhere transfems can feel safe and that I get there.