August 30th, 2024
I stopped taking the antidepressants three days ago. If taking them means I need more water in my body then maybe stopping will allocate the water to better use, like keeping me cool. Maybe I am starting to feel bitter about taking them, even if I have written about them positively, they don't change my circumstances.
When I think about the trans woman of the world, I don't really see myself as one of them.
I worry I slip into being a philosopher sometimes. I don't hold strong opinions as it is, and I'd hate for the few I have to end up as little more than lip service. Philosophy isn't practical to me, not when it's a privilege. One I can't afford. I need the path to a life I won't kill myself over.
I wonder how many people who would insist I open up more and just be myself would be revolted by the real me, a sad isolated transfem with a history of being abused who doesn't want it to happen again.
I don't even see myself feminising in the future. This skin of mine is sensitive and my body hair protects me from the awful sensation of fabrics and even human touch. I want to keep it, cue the shock and horror. I look into the future and I just see more people telling me I'm not enough, that I need to be more otherwise who could blame the people who mistreat me.
Ideally, I would turn into an angry and motivated transfem in a year's time. But what about the last three years of my life? If I haven't had a personality change already, what could possibly be different in a year?
I thought about college for the first time all year. Even though I'm on mailing lists and such, I haven't checked out a college website since what feels like forever ago. College websites were just upsetting to look at because I was looking out of obligation, for every course I was scraping the bottom of the barrel what might've interested me about a course and what I'd just have to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and deal with. Then I remember what felt like an anxiety attack, the idea that I just didn't have what it took to live in the world. Time doesn't make it any easier. I thought about college today but I'm not looking at any websites. I'd remove myself from those newsletters lists right now if I didn't think someone was watching who would end up disappointed.
Over a week since my last entry and my "social battery" still "feels low" but I'm starting to suspect maybe I just can't stand seeing people happy and being around them and trying to talk to them too.