October 4th, 2024
My loneliness doesn't feel abstract or like a miasma that clouds my head. It feels like a layer of the earth I walk on. Whenever I become alone, it's always the same loneliness, not a new one. I wonder if there's ever a real comeback from isolation, because right now it feels like whenever I'm alone, the empty spaces of people I wish had stayed are there.
I feel like I'm mentally stuck in May or maybe June. That was the last time I felt surges of strong emotion. Everything else since sort of just blends together. It could be brain damage, long covid finally taking over. Not like anyone irl cares enough to notice things like that, my condition and wellbeing and such. I'm bitter about that vulnerability in particular.
I want to say that I wish I could show the world I care, but what I really want is to be seen as caring enough already. That I'm at my limit, actually, and that I'm lost, that regardless of whether I got here by my own doing or someone else's, I'm worthy.
I don't feel like a real person again. I actually feel like more of a bad omen than anything.