October 13th, 2024
Everything feels hollow. Like I'm living in a world that's just a shell.
I think maybe I've always seen the world this way, I just used to be more curious about finding somewhere it didn't feel that way.
Part of me intrusively thinks that this must be some excuse for my existence. I feel no more hollow than the people I perceive around me. But then they start confronting things, their issues and how to solve them, or being so outward about how insurmountable solving their problems feel. And I feel like even in that regard alone, they have something I lack, and that I'm just the most hollow of them all.
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do when I feel like I can't enter a community. Even the covid conscious community, what little I can find of it, makes me feel out of place. I'm actively struggling in every aspect of my life and with no respite for me I feel like I just show up with open wounds that give me a foul, repulsive aura. Even if that's not the case, just being avoidant of my issues and caring about things in general makes me feel broken compared to everyone else.
I've thought about self harm this month more than I've ever thought about it, and less abstractly than I usually think about it too. I can't fathom coping any other way if I stopped avoiding my problems. So I'm back at square one, feeling like I'm decaying and unsure how to prevent or come back from it.