May 25th, 2024
My mind is not with me.
But I feel like if I start talking about the fear of dying again I'm going to sound crazy.
I've tried going to the webpages from the shortlist of therapists I could connect with but I keep thinking that maybe therapy isn't what I need right now. Therapy, like the health system, is not infallible or free of bias. And when it comes to the ongoing pandemic I have to ask myself, what's a therapist going to do for my feelings about the pandemic that I can't do myself by just socialising with other covid conscious people? Of course I know the answer is help me socialise. I also need to do something about my codependent tendencies.
My mind's not with me again.
I had this idea of propping my digicam on my miniature tripod on my desk and recording my day just so I can watch it back, try and catch a dissociate state from an outside view.
I made my only friend upset but I get the feeling she was really more mad at her parents than me.
I have to remember that the time I've been unemployed hasn't been "vacation". I'm disabled, and that comes with supports that I need and haven't been able to access yet, and no extra reserves of energy.
Maybe I just need to get into a point a click game or tactical role playing game again. To entertain the otherwise empty hours.
I have this reoccuring dream where I'm in highschool again and I'm barely showing up, looking forward to some classes and dreading others, I'm thinking about dropping out and I have to tell my friends. It's almost always friendlier than the reality of what happened, where I realised it wasn't worth showing up for at all and my friends were really shitty and I just had no reason to stay anymore and the thought of going made me feel like throwing up.
I still don't know what I'm going to do about furthering my education. But then again, it's not like I was ever equipped to handle highschool.
It's 1am. 18 degrees celsius in my bedroom. Tomorrow I'll probably stay in bed until 12pm again. I ask myself who would hire me, since the question of where I'd like to work doesn't have nearly enough answers. The people in my dreams are strangers yet I talk to them more than anyone else I know. Maybe the introverted and distrustful people could teach me a thing or two.