June 2nd, 2024
Abigail was in my dream last night, which I don't think has actually ever happened before. It was a deviation from the usual highschool dream. It was more of a callback, I met the people I hung out with in highschool in my 20s and we met warmly. It felt weird, but not enough for me that I didn't interact with them at all.
The dream's story doesn't matter, this isn't my dream diary. I'm only thinking of Abigail. It's a painful kind of memory where I think we could've been great friends, I might've had someone by my side in highschool who didn't just want to use me. But it just felt out of reach. I hate looking back and blaming myself for how other people treated me as though I could've just avoided it by choosing different friends. Pain and longing.
I keep replaying this dream segment where Abby wanted to talk to me privately, so we went to this warmly lit room with red wallpaper and a grey comfy couch. She had this warm smile on her face and said she heard that I was enamored with her. (I swear to god, it's the dumbest bullshit that my fucking friends shipping me with her is the reason I sucked at talking to her, but when nothing good ever happens to you the dumbest bullshit will get to you.) She said it and it sounded just like the type of reminiscing I would've liked to have with friends if I still talked to any of them. The dream is fuzzy after that, I only remember that I replied with "Where'd you hear that from?" and that it didn't get awkward.
It sucks but also it's not like there was some sunken effort on her part trying to be friends with me. It should just be left in the past. Still, I think about how an irl reunion with her would go. Her seeing that I haven't recovered from what the one friend I trusted put me through. Maybe she even goes back to that friend and sees her in a different light.
I read a manga about a girl who hates her life, she was taught from a young age that what she wants doesn't matter and grows up resentful, feeling alone in a crowd with her highschool clique and coming home to parents that argue, so she dissociates really hard to the point that she wakes up believing she has just "awoken" in this body. Despite her best efforts to live her usual life, the pressure becomes too much and she has this whole arc about pursuing the life she enjoys and becoming authentic. She hated her life so much she felt like she needed someone to save her, and the fantasy comes in the form of another person taking her place in life. If that happened to me, I would want the one in my place to be Abigail.