June 8th, 2024
My abuser is alive
it was a rotten habit of mine to try and scrounge information about the friendships that were ruined because of my abuser by using instagram. that +/- 1 difference in follower count as a marker for whether my abuser and friends were still connected used to have a much harder grip on my life. but as the days went by and her follower count only got smaller, profile picture staying the same, i loved thinking that she had killed herself.
i thought for a second i was making some sort of mistake when i went to check her account again.
sometimes i remember the last time i hung out with my childhood best friend. that night, the abuse would start, and my childhood best friend's connection with me would be sabotaged, and hours earlier i was hearing people praise the girl who would be my abuser saying that she was just so "real". she was just so "real". pretty cis girl who does her own piercings and likes to "tell it like it is" what's not to like. until she abuses you.
i dont like to think about why she psychologically abused me, except for "it was easy". she only needed to get into two people's heads to isolate me.
Nov2021-May2022 was a nightmare i haven't recovered from.
sometimes i think about my abuser coming up in my adulthood. like im all recovered and have new connections until one day one of my friends talks about this cute independent lingerie designer and it turns out to be my abuser's company. and suddenly i become 17 again begging for my pain to be taken seriously and not feel like im asking for too much.
despite all the pain im in, im expected to try. heard a new nasty story from a distressed person calling a suicide hotline, didnt want to check themselves in to a mental hospital (would lose their job) made a point to say homelessness would do worse for their mental health and the operator said "i cant help you if youre not willing to help yourself"
and see thats the problem. thats the problem ive always known. im supposed to try. it's all about "trying". but no one is willing to have the larger conversation, "why do i need to try? what put me in the position to have to try in the first place? what is the safety net or alternative if i try and it goes badly?" theres always a larger conversation to be had and at the same time the smaller conversations of marginalised people who are hurt who are overlooked.
i still hate opening up. i dont have anyone i can tell all this to.