June 19th, 2024
Something is changing inside me. It's because I'm finding it harder to repress my feelings even if I have no one to talk about them to. Which is kinda the problem. It's jealousy. I wish I could get it off my chest to someone, try and sort my feelings out. Fun part of having internet friends is I see their reshares. We're both lesbians. But lately I've been thinking that she doesn't just reblog these women just for appreciation of boudoir photography. I think she reblogs them because she's attracted to them, and it makes me crave; a craving of knowing what it would be like to receive her attraction. I wish I was caught in her lustful gaze, and I wish I could figure my feelings out. It's hard having only one friend and then having these feelings. Harder so when I've been subjected to sexual shame.
Even if she truly felt this way about me it would be some nightmare right. We don't even know if we'll ever meet in person, in her rough life she says it's "like a fantasy" and if I were to be the one who visits her, getting money for that feels so far away. It feels like such a mess already and it doesn't need to be more of a mess.
Ughhhh I wish I was just a useless lesbian, I feel worse than useless here. And it doesn't help that she gave me a virtual kiss on the cheek recently. That's never happened before. I don't even know how I would bring that up without sounding weird. I could just say "That made me uncomfortable" because look at me I am uncomfortable right now. Yes I liked the kiss on the cheek, yes it lead to happy feelings, but naturally it ended up here, therefore discomfort. Yeah, that seems like a good way to think of discomfort. I used to not be able to draw the line between what was good for me and what wasn't. But jbbjrjbjrjbjj I could also just not bring it up. Never bring it up. "I am yours to receive text on the internet where you say I receive a kiss from you, and we just don't talk about it, I write it down and put it in a box."
And I wish it wasn't 4am. I wish I wasn't 4am. I wish I could've slept 6 hours ago. But maybe, just maybe, if I get all of this out now, everything will be fine. Ughhhh this is the result of three years of friendship degradation and isolation. That's gotta be why I feel this shit right now.