June 26th, 2024
I had forgotten to take my antidepressants the day I wrote that last entry. Same thing happened that week Thursday. So I think it's safe to say that not only were my feelings rooted in a craving for temporary relief, but also that my medication is doing something now. Still, it was weird that the idea of falling in love with her came with so much guilt, maybe because I know it would trodden the bond between us.
Many of the inner workings of my body are still a mystery. I've been dealing with a temperature of at least 36.5 degrees since October. Blood test infection markers and a CT scan all came back with nothing out of place. I do need to get my pilonidal sinus checked and possibly removed, maybe that'll take my fever away. Maybe, if the doctors I got referred to ever got back to my emails, I'd have this issue resolved by now. I always make sure in my email to say that I'm curious about protection against airborne pathogens at their practices. It's fucked up that they'd rather dismiss me entirely rather than get back to me to say that no protections are in place.
It's late again, it's the 27th now, common occurence for me.
I did end up deciding to book an appointment with a new therapist. They're a counsellor this time. One and half years of seeing a psychologist in the hopes that they would figure out what's wrong with me didn't get me anywhere.
It's rare that I speak aloud for more than a few seconds each day. It's not really something I think about until I have to try and talk. Sometimes I think about it when I wake up in the morning, because I'll have either had a really boring dream that didn't involve what was swimming in my mind all week, or I'll have a poignant dream about something I talked with my best friend about. It makes me think I should talk more.
I see trans women's anger and disabled people's anger and I wonder if it'll be remembered. Maybe it's because I recognise my own suffering and wonder if it'll be remembered. Maybe I could do some further reading on trans activists and disabled activists. I know Sylvia Rivera has an angry speech that we have on film. I numb myself because I don't have intrusive thoughts of suicide or self harm in banality. When I think about transitioning openly or browse university websites, that's when the panic kicks in. Of course I project my loneliness onto the continent I live in, "If I'm not the one who's brave for the sake others, then who is?" Much to think about.